I get annoyed by people who are passive-aggressive. If you have a problem, deal with it explicitly or suck it up.
I’ve given a little thought as to where passive-aggressiveness comes from, though, which makes me wonder: Is passive-aggressiveness ever okay? Why are people passive-aggressive to begin with? Why can’t they just say what their problems are and voice their opinions or objections? Passive-aggressiveness comes, as far as I can tell, from fear of confrontation and the desire to avoid accountability. The benefits of passive-aggressiveness are two-fold. You are able to either keep in the good graces of everyone or at least appear to be in everyone’s good graces. You also cannot be called on your actions. If anyone confronts you, you can plead ignorance.
As an example. Let’s say you yelled at a co-worker in a moment of anger. Rather than the co-worker saying, “Hey, you really hurt me with what you said yesterday when you were yelling,” he just stops being as responsive to your email requests. He also objects to every idea you bring up in meetings when he never used to do that. By taking subtle actions to get back at you for yelling at him, he doesn’t have to confront you with his hurt, and if you say, “I think you’re reacting differently to me than before,” he can continue to act differently and deny it the whole time, “No. I just didn’t happen to agree with you at that meeting. Geez.”
This is, of course, annoying behavior, but it is possible that your co-worker isn’t trying to be annoying or devious. In this case, fear of confrontation may not be a general fear of any kind of confrontation. It may be a fear of confrontation with you. It may be that he doesn’t feel you’ll be receptive to a confrontation (that, in fact, the confrontation will make you angrier than before), or he may feel that you wouldn’t pay attention to a legitimately expressed complaint—in other words, you need to be noticeably inconvenienced in order to realize you might have done something wrong.
The real test of intentions is “the call.” If someone is being initially passive-aggressive, he may feel too timid to bring about a confrontation (either because you’re intimidating, or he is just afraid of confrontation in general), but if, after you bring up the subject, he continues to be passive-aggressive and pretends nothing is wrong, that’s just annoying and beyond justification.
I’m somebody who blows up in emotion and then forget everything about it after letting off steam. I simply cannot bottle up emotions without showing it in one way or the other.
It’s my nature. I also like to deal with things directly rather than hide in hostile stalemate. If you noticed some of my comments on your blog you would have noticed a touch of emotion because I disagreed strongly with you. I hope you didn’t take that as hostility because I continue reading your blog in spite of disagreements.
Unfortunately a lot of people misunderstand open display of emotions… what can we do? That’s life ;)
Hari, I have the utmost respect for your opinions, whether we agree or not. You are thoughtful, intelligent, and logical. I never take it personally if you vehemently disagree with me.
And, like you, I tend to be quite expressive just to let off steam. If I don’t feel comfortable blowing up at somebody, I just suck it up and let it go instead of bottling it up and letting it seep out slowly through passive-aggressiveness.
Thanks for the compliment, UC. :p I think you tend to write on difficult subjects quite well… I noticed that as well.
I don’t think you should have taken down your “essays” site and put them on this blog. I thought that format was better than a blog for those essays and that could have remained easily accessible while you could have continued writing this blog.
I think it depends on the situation. In the example you’re giving, that guy’s just being petty. They should air their disagreements.
Look at it from another point of view: any kind of resistance movement can be seen as passive aggressive at some point. It is simply sound tactics that when outnumbered, out resourced, etc. that direct confrontation must be avoided, and indirect action is the only logical course. If I’m in the French resistance and I’m mad about you moving Panzers through my village, walking up to the commander and arguing the point is just not a worthwhile task. It won’t accomplish anything and you will most likely die a horrible death. If you passive aggresively just blow up the one bridge in town, however…
Sure, that’s an extreme example, but I think you can’t blanketly say it’s never acceptable. To look at it from another angle, culture plays a large part in it too. In Japan, if you were to confront a coworker about an issue you’re having with them, especially as a foreigner, you would be seen as very rude and only increase hostility toward you, not just on that person’s part but from others, as the behavior is seen as non-acceptable. If you do it in a circitous way, say perhaps casually mentioning that you dislike a certain trait in general, not singling out the person you actually have the issue with, the Japanese feel it lets the other person save face, to not be insulted.
Another way to be passive agressive would be if someone in a recreational group you’re in has an idea you find unacceptable. You can still be in the group, respect their right to have their opinion, but refuse to lend your aide. That’s really being passive agressive – you’re not trying to stop them directly, but indirectly by withholding your support. Would you consider that passive agressive? Does it make a difference if you tell them that you’re doing this or not?
I think you can’t blanketly say it’s never acceptable.
And I don’t. Even the title of the post indicates doubt, and I try to make excuses for passive-aggressiveness and try to understand where it comes from.
True, but the tenor of the question makes it sound like you think the answer is no. ;)
well when i like tell my feallings to someone i cry >.< it’s just that i hate it when people say are you ok, whats wrong? and stuff like that i mean it’s none of their buisness they should just…rub the persons back…
like last time i was crying and the person was like are you ok…i’m kinda emotional…