Comments on: Handling unwanted advances

By: Y T

Y T — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 00:43:09 +0000

This is life, and how life works… everywhere among most if not all species. How do you expect for people to meet other people?

We’re not all happy only being angry bloggers.

I’m an angry blogger too sometimes… but… it doesn’t make up a significant portion of my life, nor does it define me.

Sometimes you’ll be happy that you have met this person, sometimes you wont.

You need to calm down.

The problem is not with these situations, but with women’s lack of self respect and courage.

Spend less time whining and more time building confidence.

By: Lina

Lina — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:46:04 +0000

I just got back from a walk with my dog. I went online and googled this: How to deal with unwanted advances from men. I came to a blog that very truthfully depicted a far too common scenario of a man aggressively invading a woman’s space and how it can make us feel. I felt I needed some advise because this was the third time this happened to me today, and something that I’ve struggled with since I was 12/13. (I’m 24 now). I’ve talked to girlfriends about it and seemed to come to the same conclusion that we don’t really know the best way to respond aside from ignoring them because we don’t wont to engage in any sort of interaction with them. But no matter what I do, I always feel shitty afterwards and question my reaction. I’m sure when I was young I was overly polite, then in my later teens probably acted angry and flustered which provoked them or showed them they had the ability to effect me which never left me feeling good. Lately I’ve ignored men who are straight out harassing me or if they are calling out to me, asking me for my number, making comments on my appearance I seem to always end up shaking my head or making some stupid remark meant to be witty but then I feel embarrassed. My conclusion is it is best to ignore because you have no obligation whatsoever to engage in conversation with someone or waste any of your energy on someone who doesn’t respect you enough to ask, and even if they do ask to talk to you, you can say no, because that is your right. And maybe someday a well meaning man may come up to you intending to ask you for directions saying “may I ask you something?” and you say “ no” or “I’d rather you didn’t”, that’s ok. He should respect that; a decent person should respect your space. It doesn’t make you a bitch. The last thing I’m going to say is please, if you haven’t already, sign up for a self defense class or get a professional to show you some basic defense moves so you can feel a little more confident when your by yourself and have a better chance of protecting yourself if you need to. Unfortunately I don’t think we can protect yourself with words when it comes to aggressive men so it’s good to be as prepared as you can.

By: ubuntucat

ubuntucat — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 17:28:24 +0000

Nothing to add here, but I just wanted to say thank you to all who’ve shared their own experiences and frustrations.

By: Angus

Angus — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 13:22:50 +0000

This blog has got me hooked. I have been out with my daughter and spoken to guys who have offended me, if not her. She just seems amused, and I suppose she can deal with it perfectly well herself, after all I am not normally around. But I have a problem. I find people attractive, but I hate the thought of someone thinking “is that old guy over there leering at me”. I usually avert my gaze and trip over something.

By: sediqua

sediqua — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:39 +0000

Well here is what works for me. I pretend to be so engrossed in my blackberry and pretend I can not hear anything. All in all, that by far, has worked the best. Indifference is the answer.

By: sediqua

sediqua — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:59:27 +0000

This happened to me yesterday. I took my son to the barber shop to get his hair cut. Right when I sat down, this drunk guy, (apparently the owner) started breathing all over me, and he would not leave me alone. I did not want to make a scene. I made the mistake of being politem because I did not want to be bitch in front of my son and embarrass him.

The encounter got worse and worse. I got up and left, went to the back room where he followed me, and continued his drunken dance and invading my space. I talked to the other people and tried to ignore him. One woman, finally said, “stop harrassing this woman!” and he got all belligerent.

I left, and went back to see my son. I took out my cell phone and called my husband, and then after I got off the phone, just pretended to be engrossed in my blackberry and totally ignored him. I gave this other guy the eye, and the drunken guy says, ” hey you know him?” and again I just ignore him. He then starts harrasing the guy, “hey you know her?” and he nodded yes, and he finally went away.

I paid the barber and walked out, where the guy harrassed me saying something verbally, but I pretended he wasn’t there.

Today, I am pissed off that I did not handle the situation properly. I feel violated. I know being polite was wrong, but I did not want to make a scene at my son’s hair salon.

What kind of business lets drunk employees harrass the customers? The word on the street is that he was the OWNER.

How could I ‘ve handled this better?

This is not just a problem with women, but men too.

Me and my husband were in Vegas, when we were accosted by this obvious crack addict. We are a mixed couple, so there will be times when usually drunken men, will approach my husband, and accuse him of “stealing our beautiful women”

Well, we were in Vegas, and this happened. This crack addict yelled at us, and we ignored him. He got more belligerent. “Hey, I am talking to you mother fucker!” and we ignored him. He then started walking fast to catch up to us.

We ducked into a wedding chapel and pretended to be looking at wedding dresses, the crack addict followed us inside, and started yelling at us for being rude for ignoring him.

Again we ignored him, as he was yelling and screaming at my husband.

I just turned to the deranged guy, and said, “excuse me, we are trying to shop” and the guy said, “man, you did not have to disrespect me like that. all I wanted to say is that you had a beautiful wife”

My husband was really pissed off the whole trip, because he felt like he did not protect me or us. But honestly, I do not know how to deal with these people.

I would rather not get into an escalated argument, like kicking him in the balls. He obviously would’ve acted very violently to “hey leave us alone ASSHOLE!” but not standing up to someone who violates you, “hey you, look at me motherfucker!” is also how criminals assess submissivness.

So what is the answer? Learn karate? Go around and be a bitch, and embarrass people?

My son later thanked me for not being a bitch and embarrass him. I just told my son, that this guy obviously had problems, and I let this one go.

But today, I am seething!

By: ubuntucat

ubuntucat — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:30:33 +0000

I think just getting people to recognize there is a problem is a good start. You can’t even begin to work on a problem people don’t acknowledge exists.

By: Dolly

Dolly — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:01:30 +0000

It’s a monumental task, undoubtedly, and I think because cultures (our culture in particular) are designed to resist change it’ll be a long time before we can say we’re at a good place. I can’t think of any practical strategies, aside from designing our stuff so that it tasers muggers specifically upon contact. Oh, man, I totally want my stuff to be taser-ready now…

By: ubuntucat

ubuntucat — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:42:45 +0000

I think what really needs to change is the culture that teaches a lot of guys that it’s okay to treat women in this way.

Oh, I totally agree, but how do we do that?

I mean, that’s like saying the best way to deal with muggings, instead of self-defense and being aware of your surroundings, is to teach muggers not to mug. That’d be great in theory, but I’m hard-pressed to think of any practical strategies.

By: Dolly

Dolly — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:04:56 +0000

[i]Woman’s only instinct is to be polite even though she really does not want to deal with this man. She wants to say something clever to get him to piss off but she freezes up in the moment.[/i]

This is perfect. I’ve had this happen too many times before. And, you know, what… it makes me mad that I have to feel like I need something witty to say. Go away asshole, should be more than enough. But it often doesn’t.

I wish we had some kind of cure for each individual situation, but often times even a witty response or strong kick only provokes a guy further. I think what really needs to change is the culture that teaches a lot of guys that it’s okay to treat women in this way.